How to win friends and influence people – Summary – by Dale Carnegie

Table of Contents

PART ONE: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1 – “IF YOU WANT TO GATHER HONEY, DON’T KICK OVER THE BEEHIVE”

Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts their sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

There you are; human nature in action, wrongdoers, blaming everybody but
themselves. We are all like that.

“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,” said Confucius, “when your own doorstep is unclean.”

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain – and most fools do.
But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.”

“God Himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.” Why should you and I?

PRINCIPLE 1 – Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

2 – THE BIG SECRET OF DEALING WITH PEOPLE

There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.

Some of the things most people want include:

  1. Health and the preservation of life.
  2. Food.
  3. Sleep.
  4. Money and the things money will buy.
  5. Life in the hereafter.
  6. Sexual gratification.
  7. The well-being of our children.
  8. A feeling of importance.

Almost all these wants are usually gratified—all except one. But there is one longing—almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep— which is seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls “the desire to be great.” It is what Dewey calls the “desire to be important.”

Everybody likes a compliment.

Abraham Lincoln

The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

William James

The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals.

If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.

“Every man I meet is my superior in some way, In that, I learn of him.”

Emerson

Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime—repeat them years after you have forgotten them.

PRINCIPLE 2 – Give honest and sincere appreciation.

3 – “HE WHO CAN DO THIS HAS THE WHOLE WORLD WITH HIM. HE WHO CANNOT WALKS A LONELY WAY”

Here is one of the best bits of advice ever given about the fine art of human relationships. “If there is any one secret of success,” said Henry Ford, “it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”

If out of reading this book you get just one thing – an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle – if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.

First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.

William Winter once remarked that “self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.” Why can’t we adapt this same psychology to business dealings? When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it.

Remember: “First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”

PRINCIPLE 3 – Arouse in the other person an eager want.

FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE

PRINCIPLE 1 – Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

PRINCIPLE 2 – Give honest and sincere appreciation.

PRINCIPLE 3 – Arouse in the other person an eager want.

PART TWO Ways to Make People Like You

1 – DO THIS AND YOU’LL BE WELCOME ANYWHERE

Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.

People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves – morning, noon and after dinner.

It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest
difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such
individuals that all humun failures spring.

If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind:

PRINCIPLE 1 – Become genuinely interested in other people.

2 – A SIMPLE WAY TO MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you, You make me happy. I am glad to see you.” That is why dogs make such a hit. They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their skins. So, naturally, we are glad to see them.

Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.

Every body in the world is seeking happiness – and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.

For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give!

PRINCIPLE 2 – Smile.

3 – IF YOU DON’T DO THIS, YOU ARE HEADED FOR TROUBLE

People are so proud of their names that they strive to perpetuate them at any cost.

PRINCIPLE 3 – Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

4 – AN EASY WAY TO BECOME A GOOD CONVERSATIONALIST

So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation.

PRINCIPLE 4 – Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

5 – HOW TO INTEREST PEOPLE

As all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.

Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties. Howard Z. Herzig, a leader in the field of employee communications, has always followed this principle. When asked what reward he got from it, Mr. Herzig responded that he not only received a different reward from each person but that in general the reward had been an enlargement of his life each time he spoke to someone.

PRINCIPLE 5 – Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

6 – HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU INSTANTLY

There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important.

Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours .

PRINCIPLE 6 – Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.

SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU

PRINCIPLE 1 – Become genuinely interested in other people.

PRINCIPLE 2 – Smile.

PRINCIPLE 3 – Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.P

PRINCIPLE 4 – Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

PRINCIPLE 5 – Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

PRINCIPLE 6 – Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.

PART THREE: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1 – YOU CAN’T WIN AN ARGUMENT

Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.

Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.

You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And –

A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still.

If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.

“Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,”

Buddha

Welcome the disagreement. Remember the slogan, “When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary.” If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.

Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.

Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry. Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.

Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.

Be honest, Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.

PRINCIPLE 1 – The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

2 – A SURE WAY OF MAKING ENEMIES—AND HOW TO AVOID IT

You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.

One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.

Socrates

Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.

Lord Chesterfield

Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. Most of us are blighted with preconceived notions, with jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy and pride. And most citizens don’t want to change their minds about their religion or their haircut or communism or their favorite movie star. So, if you are inclined to tell people they are wrong, please don’t.

In other words, don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.

PRINCIPLE 2 – Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

3 – IF YOU’RE WRONG, ADMIT IT

Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – and most fools do – but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.

When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong—and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves—let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.

Remember the old proverb: “By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.”

PRINCIPLE 3 – If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

4 – A DROP OF HONEY

It is an old and true maxim that “a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” So with men, if you would win a man to you cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which,say what you will, is the great high road to his reason.

A fable about the sun and the wind. They quarreled about which was the stronger, and the wind said, “I’ll prove I am. See the old man down there with a coat? I bet I can get his coat off him quicker than you can.”

So the sun went behind a cloud, and the wind blew until it was almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the tighter the old man clutched his coat to him.

Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up, and then the sun came out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly on the old man. Presently, he mopped his brow and pulled off his coat. The sun then told the wind that gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force.

Remember what Lincoln said: “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”

PRINCIPLE 4 – Begin in a friendly way.

5 – THE SECRET OF SOCRATES

In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing—and keep on emphasizing—the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.

PRINCIPLE 5 – Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

6 – THE SAFETY VALVE IN HANDLING COMPLAINTS

Must people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.

If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.

PRINCIPLE 6 – Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

7 – HOW TO GET COOPERATION

” The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”

PRINCIPLE 7 – Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

8 – A FORMULA THAT WILL WORK WONDERS FOR YOU

Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.

There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason – and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.

Try honestly to put yourself in his place.

If you say to yourself, “How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes?” you will save yourself time and irritation, for “by becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.” And, in addition, you will sharply increase your skill in human relationships.

PRINCIPLE 8 – Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

9 – WHAT EVERYBODY WANTS

Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively?

Yes? All right. Here it is: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”

An answer like that will soften the most cantankerous old cuss alive. And you can say that and be 100 percent sincere, because if you were the other person you, of course, would feel just as he does.

So, if you want to win people to your way of thinking, put in practice . . .

PRINCIPLE 9 – Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

10 – AN APPEAL THAT EVERYBODY LIKES

The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.

when no information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious.

people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The exceptions to that
rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced that the individuals who are
inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you
consider them honest, upright and fair.

PRINCIPLE 10 – Appeal to the nobler motives.

11 – THE MOVIES DO IT. TV DOES IT….WHY DON’T YOU DO IT?

You can dramatize your ideas in business or in any other aspect of your life.

PRINCIPLE 11 – Dramatize your ideas.

12 – WHEN NOTHING ELSE WORKS, TRY THIS

“The way to get things done, is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.”

The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.

All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory.

That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self- expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.

PRINCIPLE 12 – Throw down a challenge.

WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING

PRINCIPLE 1 – The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

PRINCIPLE 2 – Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

PRINCIPLE 3 – If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

PRINCIPLE 4 – Begin in a friendly way.

PRINCIPLE 5 – Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

PRINCIPLE 6 – Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

PRINCIPLE 7 – Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

PRINCIPLE 8 – Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

PRINCIPLE 9 – Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

PRINCIPLE 10 – Appeal to the nobler motives.

PRINCIPLE 11 – Dramatize your ideas.

PRINCIPLE 12 – Throw down a challenge.

PART FOUR Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

1 – IF YOU MUST FIND FAULT, THIS IS THE WAY TO BEGIN

It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.

Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing. A leader will use . . .

PRINCIPLE 1 – Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

2 – HOW TO CRITICIZE….AND NOT BE HATED FOR IT

Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.

An effective way to correct others’ mistakes is . .

PRINCIPLE 2 – Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

3 – TALK ABOUT YOUR OWN MISTAKES FIRST

A good leader follows this principle:

PRINCIPLE 3 – Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

4 – NO ONE LIKES TO TAKE ORDERS

An effective leader will use . . .

PRINCIPLE 4 – Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

5 – LET THE OTHER PERSON SAVE FACE

Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego
by causing someone to lose face.

I have no right to say or do anything that
diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what
he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.

A real leader will always follow . . .

PRINCIPLE 5 – Let the other person save face.

6 – HOW TO SPUR PEOPLE ON TO SUCCESS

Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.

“Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.”

Use of praise instead of criticism is the basic concept of B. F. Skinner’s teachings. This great contemporary psychologist has shown by experiments with animals and with humans that when criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.

Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere – not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.

Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.

Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. To become a more effective leader of people, apply . . .

PRINCIPLE 6 – Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

7 – GIVE A DOG A GOOD NAME

“The average person, can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.”

In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.

If you want to excel in that difficult leadership role of changing the attitude or behavior of others, use . . .

PRINCIPLE 7 – Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

8 – MAKE THE FAULT SEEM EASY TO CORRECT

If you Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique—be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it—and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.

If you want to help others to improve, remember . . .

PRINCIPLE 8 – Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

9 – MAKING PEOPLE GLAD TO DO WHAT YOU WANT

The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:

  1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the
    benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
  2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
  3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.
  4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
  5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
  6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person
    the idea that he personally will benefit.

People are more likely to do what you would like them to do when you use . . .

PRINCIPLE 9 – Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

BE A LEADER

A leader’s job often includes changing your people’s attitudes and behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this:

PRINCIPLE 1 – Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

PRINCIPLE 2 – Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

PRINCIPLE 3 – Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

PRINCIPLE 4 – Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

PRINCIPLE 5 – Let the other person save face.

PRINCIPLE 6 – Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

PRINCIPLE 7 – Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

PRINCIPLE 8 – Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

PRINCIPLE 9 – Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.